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Storytelling 101 courtesy of kodomut via flckr
Sometimes people are so disturbed by the way someone died that they focus more on the deceased person’s “dying story” than they do on the person’s living stories. Yet reflecting on our living experiences with the deceased is an integral part of healing.
When I interviewed grievers for my book, they consistently stated one of the most healing experiences is hearing stories about their deceased loved one. Yet, people are often afraid to mention the name of the deceased to the bereaved. Please know that the majority of grievers enjoy reminiscing about their deceased loved one and want to remember their life, not their death. A reader recently wrote me about this stating:
“I read your book and thought it was fantastic! I have tons of memories [of my deceased mother], unfortunately all of the ones I remembered or chose to remember were painful. After reading your book, I started looking through my photos and videos and I found myself laughing and remembering how that laughter came about. My memories of my mom now have some laughter in them, and so do some of my dreams… You helped me to see a section that I have been missing, thank you.”
Constructing stories is valuable for another reason. Frequently after a traumatic event, feelings, sensory information, and implicit memories of the event are typically left hanging in fragments that researchers believe are mostly processed and stored on the right side of the brain. Yet, the logical, linear-oriented left side of the brain has a drive to make sense of these fragments and put them into some kind of logical order. Building a coherent story based on your memories incorporates these fragments, bringing context and structure to them, which can help you heal. I’ll be sharing more ideas about ways to use storytelling for transforming trauma and grief in future posts.
In addition, my colleague Juliet Bruce is offering a free teleseminar on June 20th from 8-9 p.m. EDT called, “Finding the Bones: The Essentials of Story Practice.” The workshop is for writers, therapists, teachers, and anyone interested in telling a story. To register go to Julie’s website at http://www.julietbruce.com/
photo courtesy of Peter Kaminski
Current research suggests that grievers do not actually move through grief in a series of five “stages,” but instead tend to experience grief in cycles of recurring waves.
There are high tides during which emotions are intense and the griever is preoccupied with feelings and thoughts around the loss, alternating with restorative tides during which the griever feels numb or is more focused on adapting to life without the deceased. Although these cycles are normal and decrease in intensity over time, grievers often feel disoriented by these vacillating emotions and wonder how to cope with them.
One way you can cope with these waves is to apply the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of compassionately and curiously observing your feelings and thoughts and breathing through them without judgement. When we apply mindful awareness to an emotional response, we essentially notice the sensations, thoughts, and feelings that we are experiencing and accept them as they are, without judging them, or having a secondary emotional reaction to them.
When you pause and become mindful, you will notice that although emotions feel intense as they are rising like an enormous wave, they will crest and descend, decreasing in intensity within a few minutes. Breathing through the experience with an attitude of acceptance and loving-kindness toward yourself will make it more bearable. It’s akin to surfing a wave or flowing with it instead of futilely standing against it and getting knocked down.
Here is a short beginning mindfulness practice you can use called the Mindful Breath:
Begin by noticing the rhythm of your breath without changing it. Place your hand on your belly and feel the expansion of your abdomen as you inhale. Then, feel the softening of your abdomen as you exhale. Do this for a several breaths.
When you become aware of any emotions you are feeling, notice where you feel them in your body, then gently inhale into this area of your body while you say to yourself, “I acknowledge my emotion.” Now, softly exhale while you say to yourself “I calm my emotion.”
As I wrote in a previous post, recent studies at Massachusetts General Hospital and the University of Wisconsin have demonstrated that regular practice of mindfulness meditation actually changes the structure of areas of the brain so that you can better cope with stress, manage emotion, and cultivate a more positive outlook. Moreover, I believe practicing mindfulness gives you a way to be fully present as you open up to the awareness that you still have a connection to your deceased loved one.
As Sameet Kumar states, “Grief only serves to highlight the depth of our capacity to love and be loved.” Engaging mindfulness brings you into the awareness of that love and is the first step I recommend in my book on transforming grief.
Next week, we’ll talk about the next step for transforming grief: Making Living Stories.
Did you know there have been many recent advances in the effective treatment of traumatic grief that have not been featured in the mainstream literature?
Well, I’ve been working feverishly over the last six months to put these together in a book I’ve written called, Transforming Traumatic Grief: Six Steps to Move from Grief to Peace after the Sudden or Violent Death of a Loved One.
My motivation to write the book initially grew out of my excitement about the trauma and grief interventions I’d learned through Jon Connelly’s Rapid Resolution Therapy. Dr. Connelly helped me with my own traumatic grief several years ago and I’ve had phenomenal success using his approach with my clients over the last four years.
I grew even more excited as I began to research other methods for clearing grief and found they paralleled what I learned from Dr. Connelly. For instance, Columbia professor of psychiatry, Katherine Shear has developed an empirically validated model for treating complicated grief that was featured in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) that includes a protocol for reprocessing traumatic memories and having an imaginal conversation with the deceased. Similarly, Seattle psychiatrist, Ted Rynearson has a very effective model for helping families of homicide victims called Restorative Retelling that he’s been using for years.
In the book, I put together interventions that these successful models have in common along with other tools like mindfulness and community resources that help people heal. The book is written for both the bereaved as well as the people who help them such as therapists and clergy. In it you will find:
- Mindfulness and imagery scripts that promote healing
- Methods to stop nightmares and intrusive images/thoughts
- How to clear guilt/regrets and foster resilience from loss
- The value of connecting to “the living story” of the deceased and sensing them as a supportive presence in one’s life
- Ways to obtain social support through family, community, and online resources
Currently, you can get PDF and e-book versions of the book at Smashwords.com where I can offer you a 20% discount through 5/30/11. To get your discount, use the code: ST98L. I will also be donating 10% of the proceeds to the American Red Cross to help those negatively impacted by the tornadoes and storms in the southeast last week.
If you prefer paperback over digital, you will be able to get a print version of the book this June through Amazon.com and other online book retailers.
Over the next several weeks, I’ll continue sharing excerpts from the book here on the blog. We’ll be discussing big changes in the field of grief and trauma therapy as well as tools that promote peace and healing. Please join us in the discussion!
"The Bright Lightness of Koot H." photo courtesy of Nancy Gershman
Did you know specialized artists and musicians will collaborate with bereaved individuals to custom create art or music commemorating deceased loved ones?
For example, Nancy Gershman, who coined the term “prescriptive artist,” is a digital artist who repurposes a griever’s life-affirming photos, memories, and stories of the deceased into a fine art photomontage (a “Healing Dreamscape”) to counter loss and regrets.
When I interviewed Nancy, she explained that prescriptive art is “custom-created artwork which recontextualizes memory, shifting the griever’s perspective of the deceased from absent supporter to supportive presence. It also provides the griever with a tangible object that reinforces this shift.”
For example the photo above depicts a photomontage Nancy created for Hope after her son Ishmael was fatally shot. Through a review of photos and stories that Hope shared with Nancy about Ishmael, Nancy was able to illuminate the sensory qualities that Hope loved about her son, such as the way he looked as a baby and the way he loved to grill hot dogs on cold, windy days in Chicago. Nancy also included colors and meaningful objects that Hope found peaceful, integrating the imagery in a way that symbolized for Hope that she and Ishmael were forever connected arm and arm in spirit.
In an article, Nancy Gershman and Jenna Baddeley wrote for the American Psychotherapy Association’s Annals Fall 2010, Hope commented that the Dreamscape Nancy made for her created a turning point in her healing. The authors quote Hope as saying, “When I saw what we made, I just got caught up in the moment…It seemed as if Ishmael was here, alive. Because it’s physically here [as Hope’s screen saver] where I see it every day…He’s here and in my heart.”
As trauma therapists, I believe this is what we are also helping people to do- create a “preferred legacy” or redemptive story out of what has happened. In our own way, we are also helping our clients to create “healing dreamscapes” so they can view themselves and their lives in a new light.
To contact Nancy about creating a prescriptive photomontage, visit her website at www.artforyoursake.com. Another site, www.bereavementartists.com features an entire directory of specialized artists who custom create works of art in a variety of media (including quilts, portraits, urns, and jewelry) to honor a loved one’s story and legacy.
photo courtesy of nieve44 laluza flickr
How do you get through traumatic grief around the holidays, especially if a holiday marks the anniversary of a traumatic loss? Below are some ways that others have found to deal with their grief and ease the pain this time of year.
1. Alter your traditions– Sometimes it helps to do something different, even if it is just one thing, to shift the focus off the loss. I’ve known families who have decided to go away to the beach or some other place that has fewer associations with the loss. Others want to keep old traditions, but may just change them up slightly, signifying a fresh start.
2. Special tributes– One way to alter your tradition may actually be to include some sort of special tribute to your loved one during the holiday get togethers. You might light a special candle in honor of your loved one at the holiday table. Or, you may give people the opportunity to share special memories of your loved one verbally or in writing. You may just have a moment of silence to remember that person at some point in the day. A special tribute is not meant to highlight the loss, but rather to honor your loved one and affirm their presence with you through this holiday season.
3. Give yourself alone time– Grief can zap you of energy, so its important to plan some alone time time to rest. You do not have to attend every event, or endure the duration of each event. Find a balance between solitude and socializing.
4. Let others know its okay to talk about your loved one– Many people avoid mentioning the name or any memories of the deceased for fear it will be awkward or painful. But, most people enjoy hearing stories about their loved ones. Let people know, and reassure them if it is okay to openly talk about your loved one.
5. Attend special services or support groups in your community or online– More people are recognizing the value of having special services to honor those we’ve lost and support those who are grieving this time of year. On this blog, I’ve written about Blue Christmas services that many churches are now offering. If there is no such service in your community, perhaps you can get a small group of family members or friends to create one yourselves.
6. Remember it is just one day– The anticipation of a holiday or anniversary is often worse than the actual day itself. Remember this is just one day, one week, one season. You do not have to relive your loss or dive headlong into your grief on this day to prove how much you loved someone who has died. Instead use this time to acknowledge your gratitude for having known the person and find ways to affirm their presence with you throughout the season.
Take care and be well.
photo courtesy of alice popkorn flickr
Our culture tends to pressure people to use the holidays as a time of merriment and celebration. But, for many, the holidays can be a source of pain, stress, and grief. Therefore, many communities are including “Blue Christmas” services into the holiday season activities. These services are usually held on the night of the winter solstice, as it is the the longest night of the year. This year’s solstice falls on December 21st.
Far from depressing, Blue Christmas services give people an outlet for sadness and grief, while gently fostering hope for the future. Many people who have attended Blue Christmas services say the service helps ease their pain because they receive support and realize they are not alone.
My friend Lisa Kendall recently shared a blog post that Pastor Chris Owens wrote about the Blue Christmas service at his church. Pastor Owens commented, “It’s a quiet, reflective time of prayer, sharing, and singing meaningful songs of faith that are not loud and rapturous but tender and soothing… I could see the weight of unacknowledged grief coming off of our shoulders and peoples’ tears flowing steadily and unhindered. You could sense the release and freedom in that time of worship.”
Similarly, pastor, DeBorah Barnwell, started Blue Christmas services at her church in Virginia Beach several years ago. Pastor Barnwell said the service is not only for people grieving the loss of a loved one, but also for people who are struggling with illness, mourning a job loss, dealing with divorce, or just feeling down. The service also welcomes families separated by military deployment.
Four candles are often lit in these ceremonies: 1) One candle is lit for those who have passed, giving thanks to the memory that connects them to us this season; 2) One candle is lit to redeem the pain of the loss; 3) One candle is lit to honor ourselves; and, 4) One candle is lit for the gift of faith and hope symbolized in the Christmas story.
I am grateful more communities are offering these Blue Christmas ceremonies. Such services give us a way to honor our loved ones who have passed and feel more connected. In my opinion, ceremonies that can help us keep perspective and allow some quiet reflection time are so needed at this time of year. The richness and depth of the holiday season can get missed if we’re too busy trying to keep up with parties and gift exchanges.
Take care of yourself this season. Celebrate it in a way that makes sense and is special to you.
Is the five-stage model of grief overstated? Yes, according to Dr. George Bonanno. In his recent book, The Other Side of Sadness, Dr. Bonanno notes the current scientific literature has found no evidence that this 5-stage model exists for the bereaved.
When Kubler-Ross developed the 5-stage model, she was studying people who had a terminal illness, grappling with their own mortality. Kubler-Ross believed people passed through these five stages: 1) denial, 2) anger, 3) bargaining, 4) depression, and 5) acceptance. But, grief related to the passing of a loved one appears to follow a different course.
Rather than the 5-stage model, several scientific studies indicate that people go through more of a wave-like pattern between two processes: loss-oriented and restoration-oriented. (see Stroebe and Schut, 1999, 2000, 2001).
During loss-oriented waves, the bereaved person focuses on thoughts and feelings about their loved one. At these times, the bereaved tends to appraise the meaning of the loss, the relationship, and spiritual beliefs. In contrast, during restoration-oriented waves the bereaved person focuses on practical matters of readjusting to daily life. Moreover, these restoration-oriented waves involve moving forward with life, revising one’s identity, and engaging in other relationships and activities.
Knowing this oscillation pattern is “the norm” is useful because so often bereaved people question what they’re feeling. Bonanno states, “Bereavement is essentially a stress reaction, an attempt by our minds and bodies to deal with the perception of a threat to our well-being…. Relentless grief would be overwhelming. Grief is tolerable, actually, only because it comes and goes in kind of an oscillation.”
Bonanno’s research also notes most people are resilient and adjust to loss fairly well. Even though it’s normal to have waves of profound sadness as we’re adjusting to the passing of a loved one, Bonnano reports that only 10-15% of bereaved people actually struggle with prolonged grief.
Those of you who have studied with Jon Connelly, LCSW, Ph. D. know that he also disagrees with the 5-stage model. Dr. Connelly believes grief is essentially caused by the perception of loss. However, eliminating the perception of loss significantly reduces grief and suffering.
As Dr. Connelly thinks of it, “All you ever get from someone is experiences you acquire as a result of being with them. No one can take that away from you, you’ll never lose those experiences. Furthermore, you can’t lose things that never happened. So, in a sense you really haven’t lost anything.” He then helps bring the person into an experience of ongoing connection with their loved one, illustrating that it is not lost.
My intention is not to minimize the experience of the death of a loved one. Rather, it is to help us understand typical grief experiences, and to know most of us come out on the other side alright.
Please share your opinions about healthy ways to cope with grief.
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