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Storytelling 101 courtesy of kodomut via flckr
Sometimes people are so disturbed by the way someone died that they focus more on the deceased person’s “dying story” than they do on the person’s living stories. Yet reflecting on our living experiences with the deceased is an integral part of healing.
When I interviewed grievers for my book, they consistently stated one of the most healing experiences is hearing stories about their deceased loved one. Yet, people are often afraid to mention the name of the deceased to the bereaved. Please know that the majority of grievers enjoy reminiscing about their deceased loved one and want to remember their life, not their death. A reader recently wrote me about this stating:
“I read your book and thought it was fantastic! I have tons of memories [of my deceased mother], unfortunately all of the ones I remembered or chose to remember were painful. After reading your book, I started looking through my photos and videos and I found myself laughing and remembering how that laughter came about. My memories of my mom now have some laughter in them, and so do some of my dreams… You helped me to see a section that I have been missing, thank you.”
Constructing stories is valuable for another reason. Frequently after a traumatic event, feelings, sensory information, and implicit memories of the event are typically left hanging in fragments that researchers believe are mostly processed and stored on the right side of the brain. Yet, the logical, linear-oriented left side of the brain has a drive to make sense of these fragments and put them into some kind of logical order. Building a coherent story based on your memories incorporates these fragments, bringing context and structure to them, which can help you heal. I’ll be sharing more ideas about ways to use storytelling for transforming trauma and grief in future posts.
In addition, my colleague Juliet Bruce is offering a free teleseminar on June 20th from 8-9 p.m. EDT called, “Finding the Bones: The Essentials of Story Practice.” The workshop is for writers, therapists, teachers, and anyone interested in telling a story. To register go to Julie’s website at http://www.julietbruce.com/
photo courtesy of Peter Kaminski
Current research suggests that grievers do not actually move through grief in a series of five “stages,” but instead tend to experience grief in cycles of recurring waves.
There are high tides during which emotions are intense and the griever is preoccupied with feelings and thoughts around the loss, alternating with restorative tides during which the griever feels numb or is more focused on adapting to life without the deceased. Although these cycles are normal and decrease in intensity over time, grievers often feel disoriented by these vacillating emotions and wonder how to cope with them.
One way you can cope with these waves is to apply the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of compassionately and curiously observing your feelings and thoughts and breathing through them without judgement. When we apply mindful awareness to an emotional response, we essentially notice the sensations, thoughts, and feelings that we are experiencing and accept them as they are, without judging them, or having a secondary emotional reaction to them.
When you pause and become mindful, you will notice that although emotions feel intense as they are rising like an enormous wave, they will crest and descend, decreasing in intensity within a few minutes. Breathing through the experience with an attitude of acceptance and loving-kindness toward yourself will make it more bearable. It’s akin to surfing a wave or flowing with it instead of futilely standing against it and getting knocked down.
Here is a short beginning mindfulness practice you can use called the Mindful Breath:
Begin by noticing the rhythm of your breath without changing it. Place your hand on your belly and feel the expansion of your abdomen as you inhale. Then, feel the softening of your abdomen as you exhale. Do this for a several breaths.
When you become aware of any emotions you are feeling, notice where you feel them in your body, then gently inhale into this area of your body while you say to yourself, “I acknowledge my emotion.” Now, softly exhale while you say to yourself “I calm my emotion.”
As I wrote in a previous post, recent studies at Massachusetts General Hospital and the University of Wisconsin have demonstrated that regular practice of mindfulness meditation actually changes the structure of areas of the brain so that you can better cope with stress, manage emotion, and cultivate a more positive outlook. Moreover, I believe practicing mindfulness gives you a way to be fully present as you open up to the awareness that you still have a connection to your deceased loved one.
As Sameet Kumar states, “Grief only serves to highlight the depth of our capacity to love and be loved.” Engaging mindfulness brings you into the awareness of that love and is the first step I recommend in my book on transforming grief.
Next week, we’ll talk about the next step for transforming grief: Making Living Stories.
Did you know there have been many recent advances in the effective treatment of traumatic grief that have not been featured in the mainstream literature?
Well, I’ve been working feverishly over the last six months to put these together in a book I’ve written called, Transforming Traumatic Grief: Six Steps to Move from Grief to Peace after the Sudden or Violent Death of a Loved One.
My motivation to write the book initially grew out of my excitement about the trauma and grief interventions I’d learned through Jon Connelly’s Rapid Resolution Therapy. Dr. Connelly helped me with my own traumatic grief several years ago and I’ve had phenomenal success using his approach with my clients over the last four years.
I grew even more excited as I began to research other methods for clearing grief and found they paralleled what I learned from Dr. Connelly. For instance, Columbia professor of psychiatry, Katherine Shear has developed an empirically validated model for treating complicated grief that was featured in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) that includes a protocol for reprocessing traumatic memories and having an imaginal conversation with the deceased. Similarly, Seattle psychiatrist, Ted Rynearson has a very effective model for helping families of homicide victims called Restorative Retelling that he’s been using for years.
In the book, I put together interventions that these successful models have in common along with other tools like mindfulness and community resources that help people heal. The book is written for both the bereaved as well as the people who help them such as therapists and clergy. In it you will find:
- Mindfulness and imagery scripts that promote healing
- Methods to stop nightmares and intrusive images/thoughts
- How to clear guilt/regrets and foster resilience from loss
- The value of connecting to “the living story” of the deceased and sensing them as a supportive presence in one’s life
- Ways to obtain social support through family, community, and online resources
Currently, you can get PDF and e-book versions of the book at Smashwords.com where I can offer you a 20% discount through 5/30/11. To get your discount, use the code: ST98L. I will also be donating 10% of the proceeds to the American Red Cross to help those negatively impacted by the tornadoes and storms in the southeast last week.
If you prefer paperback over digital, you will be able to get a print version of the book this June through Amazon.com and other online book retailers.
Over the next several weeks, I’ll continue sharing excerpts from the book here on the blog. We’ll be discussing big changes in the field of grief and trauma therapy as well as tools that promote peace and healing. Please join us in the discussion!
Photo Credit Department of the Army
Last week, I had the honor of working with a courageous Iraq war combat veteran who sustained a traumatic brain injury (TBI) in the war and suffered severe flashbacks.
He asked if Rapid Resolution Therapy (RRT) would work for him, given the TBI. While I told him I was not sure how the TBI would impact things, I was sure we could clear the impact of the trauma. I reassured him that he’d already completed the hard part by surviving the war. He laughed and agreed that meeting with me could not be any worse than what he’d already experienced in combat.
When the soldier arrived at my office, he had a service dog with him, which led me to think he had a visual impairment. So, I offered to fill out the paperwork for him as he verbally gave me his answers. The soldier laughed and said,
“I can see just fine. My service dog accompanies me because my flashbacks have been so bad. When I have a flashback, my dog walks in a circle around me clearing the area to protect me and other people. Then, he licks my face and helps me wake up and come back to the present time and place.”
Wow. I was totally impressed with him and his dog, and it motivated me even more to free this guy up of those flashbacks. He told me he’d not been allowed to drive due to the flashbacks, and really wanted his freedom back. Here this guy dedicates his life to fighting for our freedom, and now this PTSD had imprisoned him. I was totally dedicated to this mission to fight for his freedom now.
We cleared his trauma in just under 2 hours. Though the TBI caused him to have some delay in his speech and thought process at times, he had a wonderful sense of humor and a keen intellect. His favorite part of RRT was the “goat and the snowflake” story (see this post for an explanation).
Upon hearing this story and playing the “pants” game to help him stay present, the soldier quickly realized that the horrific images were just images now, and the events were no longer in existence. We only had to discuss one event in detail, and he was able to apply the same concept to the other traumatic events he had experienced. I watched in amazement as he smiled and said, “Yes, there is no IED exploding. It no longer exists. My commanding officer is okay now and is not pinned under that truck. I am not getting shot at this moment. There are no piles of beheaded bodies that I have to clean up anymore. Those guys left their bodies and they are at peace now.”
Three days after our session, I gave him a follow-up call. He said, “I feel great. I have not had any flashbacks, even when my kids were screaming or I heard a loud noise. I have been driving again. I am able to imagine being on the beach watching the cranes when I feel stress and it immediately calms me. I am free again.”
I thanked this brave soldier for his service and we celebrated his return to freedom! You do not have to be imprisoned by trauma or your past. There is a way to return to freedom and reclaim your life.
Courtney Armstrong is a Licensed Professional Counselor as well as a Master Practitioner and Associate Trainer in Rapid Resolution Therapy. She has a private counseling practice in Chattanooga, TN where she specializes in treating trauma, anxiety, and grief. To contact Courtney, click here. To learn more about Rapid Resolution Therapy, click here.
I greatly appreciated Jon Stewart’s touching and honest commentary regarding the impact the Arizona shooting had on our country.
Although people are tempted to blame politicians, let’s not make this a political event. As Stewart says, “You can’t outsmart crazy. You don’t know what a troubled mind will get caught on,” and Jared Loughner clearly has a troubled mind.
Let’s keep this thing in perspective. Let’s put our energy into things that would be of benefit to those who were harmed by this tragedy, rather than waste energy churning anger and blame. Let’s focus on the acts of heroic kindness witnessed during this event that are a testament to the unity of the human spirit, rather than focus on things that divide people.
photo courtesy of nieve44 laluza flickr
How do you get through traumatic grief around the holidays, especially if a holiday marks the anniversary of a traumatic loss? Below are some ways that others have found to deal with their grief and ease the pain this time of year.
1. Alter your traditions– Sometimes it helps to do something different, even if it is just one thing, to shift the focus off the loss. I’ve known families who have decided to go away to the beach or some other place that has fewer associations with the loss. Others want to keep old traditions, but may just change them up slightly, signifying a fresh start.
2. Special tributes– One way to alter your tradition may actually be to include some sort of special tribute to your loved one during the holiday get togethers. You might light a special candle in honor of your loved one at the holiday table. Or, you may give people the opportunity to share special memories of your loved one verbally or in writing. You may just have a moment of silence to remember that person at some point in the day. A special tribute is not meant to highlight the loss, but rather to honor your loved one and affirm their presence with you through this holiday season.
3. Give yourself alone time– Grief can zap you of energy, so its important to plan some alone time time to rest. You do not have to attend every event, or endure the duration of each event. Find a balance between solitude and socializing.
4. Let others know its okay to talk about your loved one– Many people avoid mentioning the name or any memories of the deceased for fear it will be awkward or painful. But, most people enjoy hearing stories about their loved ones. Let people know, and reassure them if it is okay to openly talk about your loved one.
5. Attend special services or support groups in your community or online– More people are recognizing the value of having special services to honor those we’ve lost and support those who are grieving this time of year. On this blog, I’ve written about Blue Christmas services that many churches are now offering. If there is no such service in your community, perhaps you can get a small group of family members or friends to create one yourselves.
6. Remember it is just one day– The anticipation of a holiday or anniversary is often worse than the actual day itself. Remember this is just one day, one week, one season. You do not have to relive your loss or dive headlong into your grief on this day to prove how much you loved someone who has died. Instead use this time to acknowledge your gratitude for having known the person and find ways to affirm their presence with you throughout the season.
Take care and be well.
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